The Light

The light behind my eyes is gone

For a while it was dimmed

Struggling against newfound darkness

Luster fading with each passing moment

Doubt settling into every cloaked corner of my mind

Now the light has diminished

Now it is nonexistent

I don’t know when it will return or if it ever will

But I am now familiar with its absence

Against my better judgement

When the light faded, a dull ache took its place

Radiating from head to heart

Pain struck relentlessly like lightning in a torrential storm

Exhausted from the loss of motivation, I continued to yearn for a chance to find my spark once more

Still the darkness persisted and insisted

Willing itself upon me like a curse

Suffocating, snuffing out any chance for hope

Desperation called for the familiar grip of a rope

Tightly coiled, hugging the veins in my neck

Constricting until peace engulfed..

With a final breath to release the burden of solitude

The Light

Shameless Muse

I must know what stirs the storm raging within you

I must intertwine myself with the passions you endure

The flight of fancies that elevate your pulsating vigor

The sinews that encase your lifeblood

I must know what makes your toes curl

Which fingers trace their way into the grasp of your phenomenal roots

The essence of the breath you elicit from your lungs to the undeserving earth

The drumbeat of your heart, reverberating with the primal pull of need, yet unspoken

Your words dance on my ears like loose petals in the wind

Your voice strikes rhythm, like fear, into my languishing heart

A muse borne from charged visions of internal turmoil

Carousing blindly in a devastating heat

O’ luminous wonder of mine,

With eyes as cavernous as the hole from whence I rose

Hands outstretched, grasping at fire-tinged limbs, longing for skin to skin

I must know what fuels your desire, what makes you ache with pleasure and sin

Shameless Muse

Hope To Ruin

Cracked skin on wringing hands like crooked lines etched into the fabric of time

Reminiscing of days past when hope was but a song, carried by the voices of those imbued by life’s love

Heads bowed in shame now, averse to the gaze of what we’ve become

Too entangled in the dilapidated ruins on humanity’s home

Built upon, a monument to honor the promise of potential

All hands toiled and tolled, both young and old

Both weak hearted and brave

Gone is the distinction that emboldens the cracks that split across jagged surfaces, deepening rotten wounds, rancid and oozing to their core

The dream of goodness wiped away like a speck on the clear vision of hate

Hope To Ruin

The State of My Mental

So I sat down to write this and I thought to myself.. be as honest as you possibly can

Typing this now, my hands feel like mush

I am now in the 4th month of my 32nd year on earth

The world around me has only gotten worse

My mental state is fickle, like rootless trees

As if such a thing exists

The inside of my brain feels like a dungeon at times

I imagine my creativity truly is stifled in there

Because it sure has been absent these past few months

Life indeed has become an endless drone of normalcy, pockmarked by brief moments of.. liberation?

Is that how I’d describe it?

I’m not sure.

I do feel like there is a version of me, dead within my bones

I walk around in her carcass, pantomiming what she would do and say but her essence was dimmed quite a while ago.

I still bathe in the brief moments of happiness I experience but the ever-persistent doubt lingers

It hangs over my head like a guillotine, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Yet, even as my sense of self withers away like smoke in the wind..

I am even surer of myself in a way that seems almost obnoxious

I still don’t understand the purpose of life. I’m beginning to think I never will.

But I do hope to, one day, understand what I am doing here.

Not in a way that hearkens back to my dark youth, where thoughts of suicide plagued almost every moment of my waking life

Instead, in a way that keeps me throttling forward, day after day.

The State of My Mental

Life As It Is

My soul aches for a sense of normalcy

Settling quickly for chaos instead

The daily drone, a welcome monotony

Pockmarked with lingering moments of dread

A world full of promise, thrown into the pits of hell

Destabilized by vessels throbbing with hate

Cries for peace fading, withering against hardened shells

Remnants of hope violently dashed away

How does one maintain stability against empty promises?

Laying credence to words uttered by quivering lips 

Masking a threat that there will be more of this

Morsels of strength squeezed out by life’s tightening grip

I struggle to see the point of trying, attempting against unforgiving odds

To settle the storm that rages within me

Whispering empty prayers to docile gods

For a version of life without futility

Taking comfort in the warm embrace of kindred souls

Tangible connections held fast against blooming turmoil

A connection of minds and steady hands to hold 

Planting seeds of newfound hope on fertile soil

Life As It Is

The Heaviest Heart

The words dripped from his lips like blood from an open wound

Languidly… slowly, filled with pain

His voice strained against his heavy heart

Speechless as he watched her depart

As she faded into the distance, his words found him

“I..” he hesitated, unsure, unbeknownst to her

A tremble. His lips shuddered as tears threatened to fall.

She had been his muse since his boyhood

His first foray into what he would later label as love

He recounted seemingly endless sleepless nights

As her mere presence painted every corner of his mind

And now she was gone, in the blink of an eye

His words caught in his throat and he sighed

There was no point. She was long gone.

And along with her went his purpose.

He crumbled to the floor, holding her locket in his palm

Maybe someday.. his bravery would return.

The Heaviest Heart

I Don’t Want To Fall In love

“I don’t want to fall in love” I proclaim loudly to an empty room. My voice is firm and confident when I say it. Convincing. Who am I convincing? Myself or the masses? Who do I need to prove myself to? I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t feel the urge to… but I am curious. My mind wonders, it possesses my every thought. What does it feel like to look into the eyes of someone who thinks of you as the world? How would I react? It’s a scary thought.

If such an emotion can bring down civilizations and make people do unimaginable things, how can I, a mere mortal, handle it? How do other mortals handle it? Or are they gods but don’t know it yet? All my life I was made to believe that only the brave allow themselves to fall in love. That cowards hide from it, terrified of what kind of person they might become. But, based on what I’ve seen, love can be a beautiful thing. It can be a marvelous feeling, a feeling so pure and unadulterated; it rips you from your mortal coil and pushes you into another realm of being. When you’re with someone you truly, deeply love, anything is everything and everything is nothing. Tenses don’t exist and time is but a notion – a word. With this person, the sky is the limit and the world is your canvas. The touching of hands sends a thrill through your fingertips, an electrifying tingle up your spine, a simple glance steals the breath from your lungs like a thief in the night.

“But I don’t want to fall in love.”

I am terrified of who I would become when love is lost. Because love doesn’t last forever. Sometimes love makes a polite exit from your life, sometimes it rips through you like a tornado, destroying your vessel in the process, leaving you an empty shell of who you once were. Sometimes your partner dies and you’re left alone with the love they gave you – a full burden too heavy for only one person to carry.

I’ve never fallen in love. I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach, never felt the urge to lie cuddled up next to my “soulmate,” never daydreamed of a romantic future that includes a wedding and children. I don’t even want to have children. “You’re still young. There’s plenty of time,” my mother says. Indeed I am still young and indeed I am full of love. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my fellow human beings. I have an abundance of love to give and I want so desperately to help and care for others. That is the kind of love I have to offer.

But.. I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t feel the urge to and I never have. It took me a long time to feel normal but I have arrived. This is who I am.

I Don’t Want To Fall In love

The First Day

The snowed in street leading to Ann Arbor High School didn’t seem to slow the traffic down one bit. Casey Lewis sat patiently in her brand new car with the radio playing smooth R&B music at a moderate volume. She was a gorgeous young woman with seemingly flawless dark brown skin, rich black hair, and almond shaped, hazelnut brown eyes. Unfortunately, she currently found herself stuck behind two school buses and three minivans, all carrying children with a curiosity and childlike intuition that she had lost many years ago. Even though she was only 27 years old, she felt as though she had been 27 since she was a child. The oldest of her 4 siblings, she was forced to grow up quickly and, at a young age, she formed a strong sense of responsibility that followed through her many years of schooling.

One of the minivans in front of her made a sudden U-turn and she was allowed to move up a space. She ogled her wristwatch. It was 7:50AM. She was going to be late for her first class of the day. Nay, the first class of her career. She had never imagined herself as a teacher. As a child, she often imagined herself as a superhero. Fighting crime alongside the likes of Batman and Wonder Woman, saving the world from caricatured super villains with extraordinary personalities and a micro-level focus of doom. She always thought it odd that Joker never seemed to want to leave Gotham and instead was simply staying there to make Batman’s life difficult. Nonetheless, she imagined herself fighting with Batman side by side. She had the physique for it. Those dreams were shattered when she suffered a devastating injury to her left knee during a JV soccer game in middle school. She broke her knee – and her heart – in three different places and gone were her dreams of death defying leaps from rooftop to rooftop, chasing down so-called bad guys and crooks. Instead, she was restrained to a hospital bed for six months and endured six more months of grueling physical therapy before she could even walk on her own again. Every day she was reminded of her limitations when she got out of bed. A slight limp characterized her gait now and, while it took her a long time to get used to it, she had finally come to accept it. So her dreams of athletic and heroic feats were dashed and her intense ambition was permanently deterred.

The final school bus in front of her had finally finished unloading the copious amounts of children it carried in its underbelly and obnoxiously roared away from the curb. Casey inched up slowly. Her car clock read 7:53AM. Almost there, she thought to herself. She had discovered her passion for teaching during her freshman year of college. She wasn’t the most gregarious person on campus and she rarely went to the oft-mentioned “college parties” she had seen depicted so many times on television shows. When she first attended one, her high expectations were quickly diminished. No hot guys. No free drinks. No drama. It was just a cramped dorm filled with sweaty and exhausted college students listening to EDM music from 3 years prior. The “booze” they had procured tasted like cheaply and carelessly made bathtub gin and the only drama that occurred was due to the lack of ample parking. At some point, Casey had been lingering around the lone TV set in the living room when it suddenly came to life, scaring everyone else in the room.

“What the fuck is going on?!” a tipsy classmate of hers bellowed. “That doesn’t just happen. You think it’s haunted?” He asked no one in particular.

A lazy shrug rippled throughout the room and, for some odd reason, all eyes fell on her. So there she was, the only one standing in a room full of intoxicated, bleary eyed young adults sitting, staring blankly at her. It felt all too familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on why it did and she also couldn’t understand why she was the center of attention. Then her eyes noticed something on the sofa packed with her cohorts. Her tipsy classmate with all the questions was sitting directly on the remote control and was accidentally changing the channel as he squirmed around in discomfort and growing panic at the television set he assumed had turned itself on.

Casey simply pointed at his crotch. “You’re sitting on the control,” she said matter-of-factly.

Everyone else’s eyes fell to his crotch and it was then that he realized that the haunted television set was his own doing. He reached down and yanked the remote control from under his crotch and glared it as though it had groped him against his will. He quickly glanced at Casey, suddenly embarrassed.

“You’re really observant. That’s pretty cool” he said.

The others around him nodded their heads in unison, murmuring words of agreement. Casey simply stared at them all with a blank expression. Later that night, as she was washing her friend’s vomit from her hair, she decided right then and there that she wanted to be a teacher. Simply because she liked being the center of attention for at least one minute. She had never been the center of attention growing up. Her parents always seemed to put the needs of her younger siblings above hers.

She changed her major the very next day.

Back in her car, the clock read 7:58. Class began in just two minutes and she was finally pulling into her own assigned parking space. She shut her car off and stared at herself in her rearview mirror for a moment. Her makeup was nicely applied, her hair was neat with not a strand hanging out of place, and her teeth were brighter than the sun.

“It’s showtime,” she muttered.

She took another deep breath and finally opened her car door. She swung her work bag over her shoulders, shut her car door, and walked with her slight limp across the parking lot onto the school’s main grounds, ready to begin the rest of her life.

The First Day

The Forest Of Souls

Mary had never been scared of the dark. As a child, her father, sticking firmly with his decades-old tradition of scary stories before bed, would attempt to continue this tradition by telling her tales of gnarly toothed witches lurking in dark woods or scary goblin-like monsters under her bed. She would only glare at him — both amused and agitated. Because Mary was not afraid of what lurked in the dark. She was not afraid of the unknown.

But now, as the stood at her grandmother’s grave, for the first time in her life – she was terrified. The old cemetery was hidden deep in the woods. Legends say it was to ensure that the agonizing howls from the undead wouldn’t wake the neighborhood in the middle of the night. Mary wondered why her father had decided to bury his mother in such a place. Permanently coated in fog, it seemed, it reeked of rotting skin and untended graves. Several tombstones had been turned over by grave robbers, entirely severed limbs lay lazily strewn about the cemetery grounds. Her bouquet of flowers – flowers she had picked freshly from a garden less than an hour ago – were already leaning over in death.

With shaking hands, she leaned down to her grandmother’s grave and wiped away the dust from her tombstone.

HERE LIES RACHEL MORGAN

MOTHER, SISTER, GRANDMOTHER, WIFE

May 1, 1929- April 10, 2017

Mary gently laid the flowers down on the rain soaked dirt and patted the mound as though her grandmother was laying there.

“I miss you Grandma. I wish you were here…”

She leaned down and laid her face against the soft earth. The wetness of the dirt kissed her cheek and she smiled with her eyes closed. Peaceful.

Suddenly the earth around her began to move and Mary, momentarily lost in her moment of bliss, was drawn into it. It swirled around her like a hurricane and she yelped in fear as, through the dirt mound she lay on, a ghastly hand shot up, reaching for the sky. This hand was emaciated, rotting flesh languidly dripped off the bones, fingernails as yellow as the moon and rotted as the soil it came from. Mary screamed, her voice so shrill and loud, it awoke the birds and critters in the forest. Owls angrily hooted and crows aggressively flapped their wings and cawed restlessly as Mary’s screams of horror pierced through the relative calm, disturbing their rest. Those bony hands slowly clutched onto untouched earth and from the rest of the mound arose a decaying and decrepit corpse dressed in a stained wedding dress.

With a portion of its skull exposed, this corpse had a permanent smirk on its face but the eyes were open and blank. Mary was frozen in fear at what she was witnessing. Her breath came out in short, panicked spurts and her heart threatened to beat out of her chest.

The corpse cricked its neck and finally glanced in her direction. It leaned over ever so slowly with its outstretched hand and slowly caressed Mary’s cheek. Her breath caught in her throat and she grimaced in disgust as the hand moved to the other cheek.

Then the corpse leaned over and whispered into her ear, “Thanks for the flowers…”

Mary watched in shock and horror as the corpse grabbed the bouquet of flowers, put it up to its nose… then leaned back into the cursed earth it arose from.

Mary stood and ran. She ran through the dark woods, away from the cemetery, away from the fog. As she ran, the creatures of the night celebrated her departure and the moon seemed to loom dangerously close above her as a warning sign:

Stay Away From The Forest Of Souls

The Forest Of Souls

Uncharted 4 Is The Best Video Game Ever Made

uncharted
Official cover art for Uncharted 4: A thief’s End. Credit belongs to Naughty Dog and Sony Computer Entertainment.

Yeah, you heard me.

I just completed my 4th playthrough of Uncharted 4 and I am, again, thoroughly shook. This is one of the most well written, well acted, interesting, exciting, riveting video games I have ever played – and I’ve played a lot of video games.

I’m not sure if I’d be referred to as a “gamer.” I don’t attend E3 conventions or go to Comic Con nor do I own something as basic as a headset for interacting with other gamers online. I do love video games though. Anyone that knows me knows at least this simple fact about me. I’ve been playing video games consistently since I was old enough to be in control of my motor movements. First game system I owned was a Nintendo and my siblings and I would spend hours playing Super Mario. I also owned a few computer games. Old Sonic The Hedgehog games and Shining Force were my go to games in times of boredom before I eventually dropped both the Nintendo and computer games and “upgraded” to a Playstation 1.

My point is; no, I’m not an expert gamer but I’ve been playing video games for almost 2 decades now and I can, with the utmost confidence, say that Uncharted 4 is the best video game ever made.

I got into the Uncharted series relatively late. I had just finished my 2nd and final playthrough of the rebooted Tomb Raider game (starring a 20-something year old Lara Croft) and I was looking for something with a similar feel. I had heard of Uncharted but never paid attention to it, much less played it. In 2013, I bought a used copy of the first Uncharted game in the series for 10 bucks at a video game store down the street from my apartment. Took me another 2 days to actually play it but when I did, I was instantly hooked.

At that point, I was still playing video games on my PS3 and.. well, I gotta say, I had seen better graphics. So I wasn’t too impressed by that aspect of the game but it didn’t lessen my enjoyment of it even a little. I finished the first playthrough in about 3 days and immediately began a second playthough. That’s how good it was. I eventually played the second and third games in the series and moved on, casually waiting for the 4th one to drop.

When Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End finally dropped, I hadn’t been paying much attention to its lead up. I was still obsessed with GTA 5 Online. I hadn’t seen any sneak peeks, trailers, or pictures. I just bought it from the Playstation Store, waited for it to download, and dove right in.

uncharted-4-a-thiefs-end
An official still from Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End. Credit belongs to Naughty Dog & Sony Computer Entertainment.

God.. what a fantastic game this is. Seriously so enthralling from start to finish. Even the Crash Bandicoot mini-game was a nice little throwback surprise to early Playstation days. The graphics are stupendous. Seriously, Nate and Elena have never looked more gorgeous. Sam Drake was a very interesting character and his entire storyline was so well written and well thought out, I’m still in awe. Rafe Adler is the perfect villain. Handsome, slick, unsettling enough to make you uncomfortable with a hint of undiagnosed psychosis lurking just beneath the surface.

I won’t go into a deep analysis of the game’s plotline (even though I very well could). I just wanted to make that very bold statement and I stand by it. If anyone disagrees, all they have to do is play through it just once and they’ll see what all the hype is about.

Next on my to-play list? Uncharted: The Lost Legacy starring previous Uncharted 1-4 characters Chloe Frazier and Nadine Ross. I hope that lives up to my very high expectations.

Uncharted 4 Is The Best Video Game Ever Made